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AN AFFLICTED HISTORY

Jamaica is a small Caribbean island located approximately 100 miles to the south of Cuba. When Christopher Columbus first arrived here around 1492, he discovered a beauty that was unsurpassed, although the women in the Bahamas were considerably "easier."

 

Soon afterwards, the native people were killed-off to make room for the importation kidnapped Africans who were enslaved and forced to cut sugar cane andsleep with the slavemasters. Of course, this led to all sorts of social problems and strife which gave some slaves the idea to run into the mountains and start up their own communities.


These escaped slaves were referred to as Maroons which is derived from the Spanish word meaning "runaway cow", although it later came to mean "she who farts bullets at colonial soldiers" and "sellout niggers who sold other runaways back to massa."


After the period of slavery ended, the former slaves found themselves struggling to survive as peasant farmers. At first, the British attempted to restrict the sale of land by only selling it in large tracts. But the ex-slaves cleverly overcame this problem by pooling their resources and reselling smaller portions back to themselves.


This worked pretty good until the 1970s when the CIA came in and started killing off all the ganja crops. At which point, everyone went to the city of Kingston where they bought white "deportee" Toyota Corrola's which they decorated with chain link licence plates and tiger-stripe seat covers.

Those who wanted to avoid the big city flocked to the coasts where they catered to swarms of tourists , providing them with valuable products and services such as : RENT-A-DREAD prostitution inc.; hair platting/beading for white women, tacky overpriced plastic bracelets with the words "NO PROBLEM" or " IRIE" written on them, poorly serviced jet ski's that occasionally shut-off in the middle of the sea and drift to Haiti; red gold and green hats with fake dreadlocks attached.


Several of the lucky ones got jobs at hotels and redneck joints like MARGUARITAVILLE where they made a decent wage with the potential to make much more in tips if they could control themselves and smile stupidly while white people called them things like "BRO" and said things like "hey CHIEF, you wanna get me another RED STRIPE?!"


Indeed, the island had come a long way since the days of slavery. Today, forced labour in Jamaica is much more pleasant. Sometimes you are allowed to watch local programming on your very own borrowed television set in your back room and you have your own toilet...out in the back where nobody of importance has to see you. The racial makeup of the island is much different as well: 90% "black" ;5% "pretty skin people"; 2% "Chiney"; 3%foreigners.


In recent years, a slight problem with crime has affected the island, for instance, its not advisable that you obey traffic lights after 10 pm in the city although it is VERY advisable to throw your car into reverse if you suddenly see a burning refrigerator in the middle of the road. Jamaica's political system is officially democratic and unofficially anarchist.


The current governing party, the People's National Party (PNP) is led by the Hon. P.J Patterson, a rumoured homosexual but still, some say, a better option than the leader of the opposition -Eddie Seaga- a notorious twin-Glock packing Syrian who is known for his murderously nasty temper, orange hair and his sharp business suits (although he was recently spotted at Hellshire beach wearing only a pink thong).


A modern society, Jamaica now has intermittent electricity and phone service as well as cellular communication infrastructures that allow the majority of Jamaican's (who live in Miami) to call their loved ones at home. Of course, there's much more to be said about Jamaica, land of wood and water and average of 966 murders per year, but why not visit instead? We can always use the cash?