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EVERYONE WANTS A DESERT EAGLE by Peter Dean Rickards

Picture this. You're returning home in a taxi one night and your arm is hanging out of the door. As you pass through a darkened area you notice something moving fast towards you out of the darkness. Instinctively, you yank your arm back into the vehicle and curse before realizing that its only a couple of bad tempered mongrels looking to eat one of your fingers.

Before you can say another word, you hear a loud click and when you turn around you see something that you really were not expecting : your driver--with his eyes wide open and the biggest handgun you have ever seen in your life--a DESERT EAGLE--in his shaking hand.

"A who di' rasscloth dat!", he exclaims with the nozzle of the gun waving a little too close to your face, " which pussy waaan dead tonight?!"


-"Chill bredrin, its just a couple of dogs...beg yuh hold dat down."

Indeed, that was the first time I ever saw the business end of a DESERT EAGLE up close and it made me think:

THOUGHT #1: " What the fuck is this nigga doing with that giant gun?!"

THOUGHT #2: " What kind of person carries around such a gruesome looking machine?"

Needless to say, I decided against asking the taxi driver anything about his gun , but after a little research, I soon discovered the answer to thought #2:

EVERYONE WANTS A DESERT EAGLE. JUST LOOK:

 

  Cathy Gentles 31, registered nurse and husband Livingston , 35, hamster breeder.

"After burglars broke in last September and made Livingston dress up in my office skirt before shoving one of his prize-winning hamsters up his ass, we bought ourselves a DESERT EAGLE. Nowadays, Livingston's ass has almost totally healed and we sleep easier at nights knowing that if anyone breaks in again , we can shove this big dutty gun up their ass and send them straight to hell.."

Carty "Poi-Poi" Atkinson, 62, Bannana Farmer

"Nuttin nah gwan fi' di likkle farmer dem ina' dutty stinkin' Jamaica. And since di' place full up a bare teef, mi' haffi mek sure dat mi' can defend mi' likkle patch a ground. That's why me ask mi' brodda ina' Miami fi' pack an' send a barrel wit' two criss DESERT EAGLE ina it. Dem is big and when mi buss it, man cyaan even have open casket funeral di' way him skull bore. Teef fi' dead."

 

  Brigette Samuels, 18, almostpubes.com model

" I simply love my DESERT EAGLE (smiles)...The Eagle's 6" barrel and the big .50 AE cartridge propels a 300 gr. bullet at 1,500 fps. That translates into 1,500 ft./lbs. of muzzle energy, or 40-50% more oomph than .44 Magnum six-guns offer. It's also available with a 10" barrel which will easily penetrate that Canadian hand-me-down body armour that the Jamaica Defence Force uses

 

Agnes Von Zipper, 92, retired teacher and Nazi sympathizer

"I don't like spics. And I sure don't like niggers . And I really hate the French. If I see any of them around here, I'm gonna shoot them all dead with my EAGLE of the DESERT. Where is this place? My diaper is dirty. MAAAAAA...MAAAAAA...BOOGOO BOOOGOO!!!"

 

 

Anita Brookfield, 35, recovering Catholic and alcoholic neighborhood tramp.

"I admit it. I like pills. But that man. That man at the pharmacy.

He wouldn't listen to me.

I told him I'd shoot, but he wouldn't listen to me.

Why wouldn't he listen to me?"

 

Roland Butt, 45, creepy clean-cut kiddie diddler.

"The DESERT EAGLE suits my needs just fine. If anyone comes sniffing around my place. I just shoot them with it...you know? And put their body in the freezer with the others...and sometimes I take them out later and tie their frozen carcasses to the chairs at the dining table ..then we have tea and chat and into the wee hours of the morning and play my Brittney Spears records."

 

 

 

Esther Rolle, DEAD, former willingly stereotyped actress.

"I sho' lubs my DESERT EAGLES. I remember back in the days when I couldn't even afford chitlins, I would go out with my DESERT EAGLE and shoot something to eat. Sometimes it was a pigeon. Sometimes a raccoon. These days I got TWO DESERT EAGLES and even tho' I don't gotta hunt for no food no mo', there's nuthin' I lubs more after a long day than comin' home , strippin' off all my clothes , and waving these muthas at anyone who comes within' 50 yards of my house."

Wendy Fitzwilliam, Miss Universe 1998

During my reign as Miss Universe, I developed a passion for the DESERT EAGLE after a stalker was caught outside my house in Trinidad with one of them. The arresting officer liked me so he let me have the gun. Now, whenever I see a DESERT EAGLE on TV I scream out: "THATS MY GUN! THATS MY GUN!" and everyone laughs because they know thats crazy talk even though I'm not crazy.

I also use it to make Roti which is a popular dish in Trinidad

 

 

Lisa Bonet, age unknown, weird-ass former child star.

"Like, I feel most at one with my DESERT EAGLE when I'm contorting myself into letters of the alphabet and chanting " LENNY KRAVITZ IS A FAGGOTY NO-TALENT SELLOUT.

Hey, you got any coke?"

Elian Gonzalez , 6, cunning Cuban brat

" First you get the money...then you get the power...then you get the ooman. Hey cuntface Reno, get me some new Nike's."

SLAP!

"Hey white lady...fuck you meng...! Nobody slaps me Ese'! I'm ELIAN! ELIAN fuckeeeng GONZALEEEEEEZ!!!"

BLAM..BLAM! BLAM!

"Look at you now meng? Look at you now!!!

I love this fuckeeng country meng. Let's go to fuckeeeng Dairy Queen"