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MY AFFLICTED HOUSEKEEPER by Peter Dean Rickards

 

The other night, after showing her my bare ass and telling her to "NYAAM SHIT", my uncles live-in helper, Bernadette attacked me with a machete. The following are SEVEN (7) suggested forms of punishment that should be carried out as quickly as possible in order to teach this violent individual a lesson about insubordination:

7)TAKE AWAY HER BIBLE. After all, she didn't buy it and I am related to the person who did. Removing her bible will teach her that it is wrong to bite the hand that feeds her.

 

7)TAKE AWAY HER BIBLE. After all, she didn't buy it and I am related to the person who did. Removing her bible will teach her that it is wrong to bite the hand that feeds her.

 

6) HER TELEVISION MUST BE IMMEDIATELY CONFISCATED. Bernadette has obviously been watching too many American programs such as the JEFFERSON'S in which maid insubordination is viewed as funny or tolerable. If she behaves , she can have her tv back in a year but without cable.

5) FORCE HER TO WEAR A UNIFORM. In the old days, maids in Jamaica had to wear properly pressed uniforms, particularly when they were serving guests. I miss those days. And besides, her violent outburst is obviously stemmed from low self-esteem, possibly as a result of her poor wardrobe. A uniform may give her a new sense of worth.

4) SHE MUST RECITE HER ABC'S EVERY NIGHT AFTER DINNER. Bernadette barely literate state is a problem. Special emphasis must be placed on pronouncing her H's. Instead of saying "-ELP", she must say "HELP", etc, etc.

 

3)Bernadette MUST ONLY BE ALLOWED ACCESS TO SHARP OBJECTS (SUCH AS KNIVES OR MACHETES) WHILE ENCLOSED IN A SPECIAL "COOKING CAGE." This is for obvious security reasons.


2) THE DOGS MUST BE FED BEFORE HER EVERY NIGHT. This will teach her that we are very mad at her for trying to kill me with a machete.

 

1) NO MORE FAN OR VAPE MOSQUITO KILLER FOR TWO WEEKS. This means that every time Bernadette gets hot or bitten by mosquitos she will be reminded that it is WRONG to shake machete's at people and say:

" A JAMAICA DIS YUH KNOW BWOY!!!!? MI WILL KILL YOUR RED RASS!!!"