AFFLICTED NEGRIL by Peter Dean Rickards

In response to all of our wonderful readers who have been just DYING for us to do something on NEGRIL...here, finally, is something for you!

TOP 10 reasons why tourists like NEGRIL:

10) It's the only place in the world where you can say "YEAH MON" and "IRIE" without getting beat up.

9) Cheap hookers!(some bi-sexual and many underage , to cater to your every desire for hot "plantation style" sex. Yipeee!!!)

8) Hey , only 7 U.S for a pissy bottle of RED STRIPE?!!! What a deal!!!

7) It is one of the last places on earth where you won't be asked to leave for participating in a "CONGA LINE".

6) The police are always willing to help you find your missing wallet...for a very reasonable fee.

5) Wowee!!! Real marijuana!!! Now you can say you've "done everything."

4) If you're one of those white people with "dreads", Negril is nice because people aren't "RACIST" and won't call you a "Yeti or "Whigger" or tell you to "take a bath."

3) Plenty of cute German women with their hair braided and decorated with red, gold and green beads. And that's just their armpits!

2) Rick's Café! The famed international meeting point for people just like you! (Eg. College jocks who say "dude"; aging divorcee's with 2 or 3 different types of venereal disease; societal rejects who ask for "Internet access"; fat bald guys in Speedo trunks; perverted married couples looking for other perverted married couples, etc, etc)

1) Colour means nothing in Negril, even if your skin is covered in red , asshole-shaped sores. "No Problem Mon." Just rub some more of that stank white cream on yourself, sit back, and listen to the sound of melanoma cells happily multiplying all over your fat ass