Well, after much speculation, its finally happening. Jamaican society is liquefying before ours eyes. The rotten downtown core is more screwed-up than ever and the decay is spreading (back up into the hills). 13 year old's are the new breed of "dog-heart" gunman and the price of life is now cheap enough to buy an average of three people a day.

Although the problem of extremely violent crime has been a reality here for the last two decades, the current situation has reached almost paranoiac levels. If you happen to live uptown, here are TEN things you should probably know if you didn't already:


1) You are often perceived by the underprivileged as the reason for their hunger and misery. (They're probably right too.)

2) Your house is too big for your family and there's a lot of people that believe they can make more efficient use of your wasted space, electricity, running water and satellite dish.

3) Some people think your new Mercedes would better serve the public if it had a knobby steering wheel, a beaded seat-cover, a little gold crown on the dashboard, a gold tissue paper dispenser on the back headrest and some silver lettering on the windshield that spell out the words: "GOD BLESS TAXI."

4) "Nuff man never get fi slam a brown gyal yet."

5) Those huge stereo speakers of yours would be great to "hold a session" with.

6) Your licenced firearm may be the deadliest nine-millimetre that Smith and Wesson sells. But a lot of angry individuals know you have it and want it-they're bored of using the rusty "one-pops" that they steal from the police.

7) When the rioters finally arrive at your gate, the fact that you handed out free Red Stripe and hired STONELOVE to play on your front lawn is no guarantee that you won't be chopped up with a machete like everyone else on your street.

8) What can a underfed and unarmed security guard do to protect you and your horrified family when his brains are oozing ineffectively onto his authorized persons list.

9) DO NOT attempt to satisfy the mob by throwing them bags of old clothes and saying : "shoo, shoo!"

10) It probably won't fool anyone if you put on that dread-wig you got on the beach at SANDALS and shout things like : "P.J a sodomite! All uptown battybwoy fi bloodcloth dead!"

So, if you didn't already know, now you do. And if you already did, why are you still here?'t already know, now you do. And if you already did, why are you still here?