Peter Dean Rickards















UPTOWN TREVOR by Peter Dean Rickards



One Saturday morning in Cherry Garden, Uptown Trevor was getting ready to drive down the hill to fetch the morning papers...  

...when he saw a legless man begging at the gate.



"Shoo! Shoo!', said Trevor, as the man yanked his hand back from 'Carolyn' (Uptown Trevor's moody Rottweiller), 'WE DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY!!!'



"Please Sah", said the beggar , "me nuh eat nuttin' in tree days and me nuh waan rob and kill nobody...


Beg yuh likkle work brown man. Mek me cut yuh lawn and bush the yard."




'WELL NOW...'said Trevor, in an accent just a little more British than the British 'I do a have a little yard work that needs to be done. What is your name?


'Clooney sar', said the beggar who hadn't eaten in so long that he was now considering eating one of his remaining limbs.


...said Uptown Trevor as he opened the gate, 'but don't believe for one minute that I will pay you if this yard is not properly mowed, weeded and swept. You may have no legs, but that's no excuse for laziness.'

'Yes Sar, mi' hear yuh sar', replied the beggar as he jumped into a nearby flower-bed and began to remove weeds with his teeth, 'thank yuh sar...thank yuh!"





'Very well', said Uptown Trevor glancing at his watch, 'I'll be back in a few hours. If you need anything, like a drink of water or a toilet, there is a hose at the back of the house.'


For the next three hours , Cloony worked hard; he mowed the lawn with a machete ; weeded the entire yard with his bare hands; gathered and burned the old leaves and rid the yard of lizards by sneaking up gingerly behind them and leaving little guns and bags of coke for them to find and kill themselves with.

  He even gave Carolyn a much needed kerosene bath and all without the aid of his legs that he had already sold to Tastee Patty Inc..




After six hours Cloony lay on his back. Although he was exhausted, the yard looked impecable.

'Indeed', he thought, as he looked around at the fruits of his labour, 'not even bumbocloth Jesus Christ could have done a better job!'


Several hours later, Uptown Trevor's Mercedes finally arrived at the gate and Cloony dragged himself towards it as Trevor impatiently bleeted his horn for 20 minutes instead of getting out and opening the gate himself.



'Coming sar, coming', said Cloony as he threw open the latch, 'mi' woulda come faster sar, but mi' legs dem gone.'




Uptown Trevor drove up to the house and stepped out of his car with latrine breath and an attitude that made him seem, well...just a little arrogant.
'Cloony!', he bellowed to the hobbling lump that was still struggling to get up the hill...


'I'm afraid you will have to come back tommorow since I used all my change to buy drinks at the Pegasus and the banks are closed today.'







'But Sar, yuh can't do me like that?! I haven't eaten anything in nearly a week!'




Uptown Trevor sighed.' Suppose I had not given you a job Clarence? Would you have anything to complain about now?! If there's one thing I cannot stand in this country , it is the escalating belief among poor-people with no legs that the world OWES THEM SOMETHING!





'Well', he continued, "let me tell you something , if this country is ever going to progress, we will ALL have to make sacrifices. But, my dear man, if THAT is going to happen people like YOU are going to need a lot more:






You see Clive --  
Cloony sar...


You see Cloony...

GREED and the inability of people like YOURSELF to see past their own noses has brought this country to its knees. Sure I could pay you now if I went inside and asked my big-haired wife for a little extra money. But then, how would you learn anything about






No, my dear Clovis, I will not allow Jamaica to slip deeper into the abyss.

We have come too far to allow SELFISHNESS and UNPROFESSIONAL BEHAVIOR to subsume what is left of this great country's MORAL FABRIC.


Why don't you come back tommorow, and I'll happily reward you with 3 U.S dollars.

Cloony looked up at Trevor.

And the sun went down.

And when it rose again...there was a headline.

...the end